i want and need college so much.

that statement isn't fair. nor does it accomplish anything. it is nothing but a wisp on the air, manifested by all sorts of feelings of doubt, weariness, pain and curiosity. i say it and i say it and i say it; i hear it and i hear it and i hear it. it's nothing new.

it is never spoken as if it's unexpected. it is never spoken to explain emotions. it does nothing. it does not bring may close. it does not cut february short. it does nothing. in that way it is empty.

it is not fair to reach out for what's out of reach and not first for what's reaching out to you. it is not fair to my friends, my loves, and my family to have my eyesight so focused out on the distance. it is not fair to be so absent. in that way it is harmful.

high school is as transient as life. it is as fleeting as life. sand through the sieve, sand through the sieve; therefore i need grab for handfuls and pray that the flow doesn't yet cease... it's not fair to point my finger at it and call it the past, i'm not time, i'm not god, i'm not even outside of its current.

it's only fair to embrace what's close and give it respect by protesting as it's torn from me, by wailing, crying, and screaming as if i'm losing my life itself, because i am, and i shouldn't treat it as if it were any less.