love is such a transient word, flowing with the wind, or time. there is no forming the formless ideal. however, i've arrived on the (temporary) conclusion that if one thinks one feels love, then one does. because, if god is the greatest conceivable being--according to st. anselm--then should not love be the greatest conceivable feeling? it would be given, then, that once one feels their greatest conceivable feeling, then one feels love.
if it is so, then i have loved you.
i won't take a pencil to my past and say it never was so. it was. we were in love.
but now i face a clash of "es muss sein"s and "it can be"s. in this train, speeding towards a cliff that is graduation, i would expect it to be normal that the passengers make hasty decisions and pour their souls all over the floor, hoping to stain something, someone, to be preserved after the collision. such is my mind. do i love, do i dare? do i love, must i love? it feels like my brain is irrupting with lust, guilt, and fear; it's this vichyssoise of emotions that stinks of indecisiveness, and i don't want to be the one on the train who dies while stumbling over what his last words will be.
on one hand, i am as much of a lover as i am of a thinker, as much as an emotional surgeon as i am a poet. i want to carry out unresolved emotions--be them either juvenile or to no virtuous ends--for the sake of making the first surgical incision; revealing what lies beneath the surface, illuminating.
on another, inherent in my faux solipsism is the utter solitude of mind, and i need to feel Sartre's bad faith to combat that isolation. for nights i seek to exist as "the one you love", and not as my self.
(it is a weakness i will never verbally admit: that i am ever weary of the existentialist life i have devoted myself to and that that weariness poses itself as love.)
i don't know if i love you. i don't know if you love me. and the times don't permit me to find out. i have to move on, i have to move on.
i only wish i could, and that i could tell you.
28.4.07
when we didn't lose at music
so friday was a complicated day. it was way hectic, involving me making a mad dash to my car more than once--forgetting my keys one of those times--and carrying bags of things for other people, leaving behind things i should have brought in the first place.
it involved my cello starting up that noise he's been making lately, resulting from my bridge moving too low, when i played an F# (high and low).
it involved a hot bus ride to san pedro that should have taken 45 minutes, but really took almost 3 hours.
it involved being excessively bored on said bus ride, having forgotten my book and my ipod.
but, that being said,
it also involved a long bus ride nearby the boy i have a tiny crush on.
it involved being with tina and mikey and ana for hours.
it involved ana finding a crack spoon, singing with it as a microphone, and taking a picture with it.
it involved skipping 6th period with allford to practice with tina (and azia) upstairs in the soundproof cello room.
it involved teaching tina the care cup and designating a symbol for mikey's crossing the line.
it involved eating an amazing salad at hot's with mikey, tina, spencer, and annas.
it involved taking our senior panorama picture.
it involved teaching jamie the other way to solve the f2l.
it involved tina making a wayyy dirty statement.
it involved getting home at midnight after hot's and my parents not saying anything.
it involved walking into Lit with starbucks and without a backpack (or anything but the starbucks)
it involved my cello deciding he didn't want to make those ugly noises during our performance.
it involved us performing exceptionally well.
it involved us receiving excellents from our judges. :)
so, to quote mikey and mr. parsons (who are, by far, two of my favorite men)
Mikey: "You can't win at music!"
Parsons: "But you can lose."
and we didn't. <3 style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">
it involved my cello starting up that noise he's been making lately, resulting from my bridge moving too low, when i played an F# (high and low).
it involved a hot bus ride to san pedro that should have taken 45 minutes, but really took almost 3 hours.
it involved being excessively bored on said bus ride, having forgotten my book and my ipod.
but, that being said,
it also involved a long bus ride nearby the boy i have a tiny crush on.
it involved being with tina and mikey and ana for hours.
it involved ana finding a crack spoon, singing with it as a microphone, and taking a picture with it.
it involved skipping 6th period with allford to practice with tina (and azia) upstairs in the soundproof cello room.
it involved teaching tina the care cup and designating a symbol for mikey's crossing the line.
it involved eating an amazing salad at hot's with mikey, tina, spencer, and annas.
it involved taking our senior panorama picture.
it involved teaching jamie the other way to solve the f2l.
it involved tina making a wayyy dirty statement.
it involved getting home at midnight after hot's and my parents not saying anything.
it involved walking into Lit with starbucks and without a backpack (or anything but the starbucks)
it involved my cello deciding he didn't want to make those ugly noises during our performance.
it involved us performing exceptionally well.
it involved us receiving excellents from our judges. :)
so, to quote mikey and mr. parsons (who are, by far, two of my favorite men)
Mikey: "You can't win at music!"
Parsons: "But you can lose."
and we didn't. <3 style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">
25.4.07
when i wasn't amazing
so i've been playing cello since 7th grade. and i can't even play through st. paul's suite.
so i can write poetry, once in a blue moon and only in mediocrity.
so i can work adobe programs, but art is a world for artists, and i have no creativity.
so i can do math, but can't survive in a class i've already taken.
so i got into swarthmore, but i have nothing to contribute.
i don't have passion, i don't have opinion, i don't have strength, i don't have talent.
i'm afraid to go. everyone is going to have something. everyone is going to have that one word they can be filed under in that old man's card catalog in New York. Leland: music. Maeve: art. James:
i'm not really part of your intelligencia, mikey. i'm sorry. i'm not. maybe i stuck out because our school is fool of california fools. and i was of the less foolish.
i can't write anymore.
so i can write poetry, once in a blue moon and only in mediocrity.
so i can work adobe programs, but art is a world for artists, and i have no creativity.
so i can do math, but can't survive in a class i've already taken.
so i got into swarthmore, but i have nothing to contribute.
i don't have passion, i don't have opinion, i don't have strength, i don't have talent.
i'm afraid to go. everyone is going to have something. everyone is going to have that one word they can be filed under in that old man's card catalog in New York. Leland: music. Maeve: art. James:
i'm not really part of your intelligencia, mikey. i'm sorry. i'm not. maybe i stuck out because our school is fool of california fools. and i was of the less foolish.
i can't write anymore.
22.4.07
20.4.07
when i went to pennsylvania
and the history books forgot about us
and the bible didn't mention us
and the bible didn't mention us
not even once
you are my sweetest downfall,
i loved you first, i loved you first,
beneath the sheets
of paper lies my truth,
i have to go, i have to go
god i love that song. so much.
i got back from penn today. for all who didn't know: that was where i was. i was visiting that which is the best place on earth: swarthmore college. je sais que je vais là. absolutement. it's a great feeling of comfort, to know i can send a rejection to the other three schools...
i made two friends who i'll actually be seeing when i go there; they're early decision students. easy to say they know they're going there too. leland kusmer and laura backup. great people. of course the joel part of me emerged a tiny bit...and i backed myself into a dangerous corner. but anyway, we went treasure hunting and were the first people to find it. we're that cool.
from left to right: the first quaker i've ever met, me, and the handbell visionary
and the bible didn't mention us
and the bible didn't mention us
not even once
you are my sweetest downfall,
i loved you first, i loved you first,
beneath the sheets
of paper lies my truth,
i have to go, i have to go
god i love that song. so much.
i got back from penn today. for all who didn't know: that was where i was. i was visiting that which is the best place on earth: swarthmore college. je sais que je vais là. absolutement. it's a great feeling of comfort, to know i can send a rejection to the other three schools...
i made two friends who i'll actually be seeing when i go there; they're early decision students. easy to say they know they're going there too. leland kusmer and laura backup. great people. of course the joel part of me emerged a tiny bit...and i backed myself into a dangerous corner. but anyway, we went treasure hunting and were the first people to find it. we're that cool.
from left to right: the first quaker i've ever met, me, and the handbell visionary
i'm torn. i love swat. but gogo loves didi. and my dance loves her swing. and i...love mikey. (couldnt come up with anything clever just yet) i'm afraid to love swat or swatties.
but now either way i'm missing a part of myself.
listen, this was going to be a blog about how much fun i had watching people fence on a bridge, making liquid nitrogen ice cream, talking to older swatties, walking around the forest/grass amphitheater, watching a jazz concert in lang music hall, watching the track team race a mile through the library, listening to two a cappella groups perform in a bell tower, or winning a treasure hunt, but now it wont be. (though that will suffice for me being wrong)
i wont put up pictures of the things i saw or of the campus.
i will when i can?
but now either way i'm missing a part of myself.
listen, this was going to be a blog about how much fun i had watching people fence on a bridge, making liquid nitrogen ice cream, talking to older swatties, walking around the forest/grass amphitheater, watching a jazz concert in lang music hall, watching the track team race a mile through the library, listening to two a cappella groups perform in a bell tower, or winning a treasure hunt, but now it wont be. (though that will suffice for me being wrong)
i wont put up pictures of the things i saw or of the campus.
i will when i can?
12.4.07
when i felt alone
my parents wonder why i'm so distant from them and think they've done everything right. they don't realize how much pretending parts of my life don't exist affects me and my perception of them. if i'm not fully here, then i'm not able to be touched. that's why i don't touch them. because i'm not here anyway. that's why i don't touch anybody. that's why it's so hard.
i blame them for me being so cold on the outside.
i blame them for me being so cold on the outside.
11.4.07
10.4.07
when i took a nap and dreamt of the rapture
i know 3 posts within an hour is a lot, but i'm in that sort of mood.
so i took a nap when i got home because i was tired, and i had a weird ass dream, narrated by people who sorted of sounded like simpsons characters. the rapture was coming and we had to find a place to go or something like that. the dialogue was incessant and i couldn't disturb it, but i could add other people talking at the same time or in the gaps. there was a tree house we had to go to in order to survive, but it was going to fall down so we climbed down an enormous ladder. turned out there was no rapture, anyway.
i was genuinely scared to death, as i usually am in dreams that involve religious shit like that.
when i woke up, though, i had the funniest realization. the tv was on and it was a commercial, but then the simpsons came back on. sure enough, it was the episode where homer predicts the rapture, but at the wrong time, and takes everyone onto a mesa to be saved, only to realize he predicted the wrong time.
my dream had been narrated by the television. that is scary. and awesome. that's never happened to me before; at least never that tight of a situation. all the dialogue was there, and the dream kept up with the plot.
i'm blown away.
so i took a nap when i got home because i was tired, and i had a weird ass dream, narrated by people who sorted of sounded like simpsons characters. the rapture was coming and we had to find a place to go or something like that. the dialogue was incessant and i couldn't disturb it, but i could add other people talking at the same time or in the gaps. there was a tree house we had to go to in order to survive, but it was going to fall down so we climbed down an enormous ladder. turned out there was no rapture, anyway.
i was genuinely scared to death, as i usually am in dreams that involve religious shit like that.
when i woke up, though, i had the funniest realization. the tv was on and it was a commercial, but then the simpsons came back on. sure enough, it was the episode where homer predicts the rapture, but at the wrong time, and takes everyone onto a mesa to be saved, only to realize he predicted the wrong time.
my dream had been narrated by the television. that is scary. and awesome. that's never happened to me before; at least never that tight of a situation. all the dialogue was there, and the dream kept up with the plot.
i'm blown away.
when i remembered how mad i am at my cat
i really am. i'm sick of having him stay in my room 24/7. i'm sick of the litter box and how it smells. i'm sick of his food dish and how it smells. i'm sick of sneezing at the cat hair in my bed. i'm sick of how stuffy my room gets. i'm sick of how i can't leave my door open without him trying to get out every 5 minutes, as if i had forgotten he had tried it before. i'm sick of not being able to sleep without contorting my body to suit him. i'm sick of him banging in to things all night. i'm sick of hearing him meow and step all over things i need to keep clean. i'm sick of how afraid he is of the vacuum i have to use to clean up his messes, where he runs away so much that he often spills more things. i'm sick of hearing him try to lick his stitches even though he has an e-collar on and therefore only licks the plastic and makes the most fucking annoying sound. i'm sick of getting cat hair on all of my things. i'm sick of getting litter all over my feet.
i'm fucking tired of this cat. why can't he get his fucking stitches out, and go back outside.
i really am. i'm sick of having him stay in my room 24/7. i'm sick of the litter box and how it smells. i'm sick of his food dish and how it smells. i'm sick of sneezing at the cat hair in my bed. i'm sick of how stuffy my room gets. i'm sick of how i can't leave my door open without him trying to get out every 5 minutes, as if i had forgotten he had tried it before. i'm sick of not being able to sleep without contorting my body to suit him. i'm sick of him banging in to things all night. i'm sick of hearing him meow and step all over things i need to keep clean. i'm sick of how afraid he is of the vacuum i have to use to clean up his messes, where he runs away so much that he often spills more things. i'm sick of hearing him try to lick his stitches even though he has an e-collar on and therefore only licks the plastic and makes the most fucking annoying sound. i'm sick of getting cat hair on all of my things. i'm sick of getting litter all over my feet.
i'm fucking tired of this cat. why can't he get his fucking stitches out, and go back outside.
when i felt subconscious love and noticed a curious issue with House
why is it that in every House episode, they go through a long list of life threatening diseases with horror-struck faces and panicked demeanors only to find out the it's something simple and totally curable, only in unfamiliar circumstance? like today...they thought a man (on a plane, mind you) was going to die of a disease they wouldn't be able to get him meds for in time (they'd have to land), but then realized he was just a bad scuba diver who had a case of the bends...while a lady who they thought had some brain aneurysm or something like that turned out just to have accidentally sniffed fumigation toxins... i'm sure real life isn't that simple? i don't know, maybe i haven't seen enough episodes of house--because lord knows i don't watch much tv--but it just feels awkward when you can trace the formula of a show.
and now for something completely different.
i made a great discovery today in orchestra. as we were playing st. pauls suite--as we usually do, nothing special--i happened to glance over to the second violins. i was sitting in kyle's seat (in front, on the right and next to angie) because phoebe wasn't here and it was my turn to fill in, but i didn't want the first seat. plus, angie's fun to sit next to, when i'm not accidentally hitting her viola with my bow. anyway, i glanced over at the second violins and this one violinist caught my attention. i would have expected the one kid i had a crush on to be the one that i paid attention to, but it wasn't him. actually, it doesn't matter who it was, because that's not what this is about. the only important factor is that he is a boy, therefore i am open to being turned on.
it's needless to say, then, that it wasn't looks that got me. it was this look in his eye, this absolutely focused attention on the music. it wasn't utter passion like green, or a kind of floating like yo-yo ma, but it was a simple fascination with the music, like someone stumbling over their first look at someone who just might change their life, and has already got their heart between their fingertips. i haven't felt like i did for those few seconds in a long time. it was subconscious love. not for him, but for that look. for that birth of passion, for that curious love.
it made me look around and think; there are plenty of dumb asses in the class. dumb boys who do dumb things like mess with the thermostat or hit each other in chairs or spin the stands and then watch things drop onto the floor. they're different though--they must be--from other dumb boys, don't you think? they're violinists. doesn't that say something? and i don't mean this to glorify string players, i mean musicians in general. when someone truly picks up an instrument (yes, that instrument can be your voice, you two) and feels that curious love i saw in his eyes, he or she proves that his or her life is not empty of meaning or passion.
i couldn't help but start to picture some of these boys with their friends. some of them are hardcore skaters; in that young way, yeah, but also in the involved way, where they read skate magazines all day and are completely obsessed. can you picture a typical skater picking up a violin and feeling the vibrations of the wood? it also makes me wonder what their friends, or other people, think of them. wouldn't you expect violinists to sort of be ridiculed by those kinds of people? i earned a tiny bit of respect for a lot of the boys i used to really dislike in 4th period today. a good bit, though.
somewhere, deep in my heart i know i have more of a passion for my cello then i realize. even though i don't practice every day and i give up when i can't do it and i wont play solos...some part of me loves it more than anything else i've ever done. dare i say i'm a musician at heart? a musician who hasn't bloomed yet. i'm not mikey, who has blossomed and bore fruit time after time, but maybe i will be.
god, do i want to marry a musician. our hearts would sing.
why is it that in every House episode, they go through a long list of life threatening diseases with horror-struck faces and panicked demeanors only to find out the it's something simple and totally curable, only in unfamiliar circumstance? like today...they thought a man (on a plane, mind you) was going to die of a disease they wouldn't be able to get him meds for in time (they'd have to land), but then realized he was just a bad scuba diver who had a case of the bends...while a lady who they thought had some brain aneurysm or something like that turned out just to have accidentally sniffed fumigation toxins... i'm sure real life isn't that simple? i don't know, maybe i haven't seen enough episodes of house--because lord knows i don't watch much tv--but it just feels awkward when you can trace the formula of a show.
and now for something completely different.
i made a great discovery today in orchestra. as we were playing st. pauls suite--as we usually do, nothing special--i happened to glance over to the second violins. i was sitting in kyle's seat (in front, on the right and next to angie) because phoebe wasn't here and it was my turn to fill in, but i didn't want the first seat. plus, angie's fun to sit next to, when i'm not accidentally hitting her viola with my bow. anyway, i glanced over at the second violins and this one violinist caught my attention. i would have expected the one kid i had a crush on to be the one that i paid attention to, but it wasn't him. actually, it doesn't matter who it was, because that's not what this is about. the only important factor is that he is a boy, therefore i am open to being turned on.
it's needless to say, then, that it wasn't looks that got me. it was this look in his eye, this absolutely focused attention on the music. it wasn't utter passion like green, or a kind of floating like yo-yo ma, but it was a simple fascination with the music, like someone stumbling over their first look at someone who just might change their life, and has already got their heart between their fingertips. i haven't felt like i did for those few seconds in a long time. it was subconscious love. not for him, but for that look. for that birth of passion, for that curious love.
it made me look around and think; there are plenty of dumb asses in the class. dumb boys who do dumb things like mess with the thermostat or hit each other in chairs or spin the stands and then watch things drop onto the floor. they're different though--they must be--from other dumb boys, don't you think? they're violinists. doesn't that say something? and i don't mean this to glorify string players, i mean musicians in general. when someone truly picks up an instrument (yes, that instrument can be your voice, you two) and feels that curious love i saw in his eyes, he or she proves that his or her life is not empty of meaning or passion.
i couldn't help but start to picture some of these boys with their friends. some of them are hardcore skaters; in that young way, yeah, but also in the involved way, where they read skate magazines all day and are completely obsessed. can you picture a typical skater picking up a violin and feeling the vibrations of the wood? it also makes me wonder what their friends, or other people, think of them. wouldn't you expect violinists to sort of be ridiculed by those kinds of people? i earned a tiny bit of respect for a lot of the boys i used to really dislike in 4th period today. a good bit, though.
somewhere, deep in my heart i know i have more of a passion for my cello then i realize. even though i don't practice every day and i give up when i can't do it and i wont play solos...some part of me loves it more than anything else i've ever done. dare i say i'm a musician at heart? a musician who hasn't bloomed yet. i'm not mikey, who has blossomed and bore fruit time after time, but maybe i will be.
god, do i want to marry a musician. our hearts would sing.
6.4.07
when i freaked out
oh my god i hate allford so much. HATEHATEHATE. it's spring break and yet what do i have to be working on every damn day?
senior project
hamlet lit review
hamlet lit project
the metamorphosis
wtf, this week was supposed to be about relaxing, taking time off, and enjoying the last few months i have here in california.. not me working. on homework. every day. so i can keep my grades up so swarthmore doesn't freak out and decide not to let me in.
and it doesn't help that i can't sleep because of whatever disease i have. ha!
oh my god i hate allford so much. HATEHATEHATE. it's spring break and yet what do i have to be working on every damn day?
senior project
hamlet lit review
hamlet lit project
the metamorphosis
wtf, this week was supposed to be about relaxing, taking time off, and enjoying the last few months i have here in california.. not me working. on homework. every day. so i can keep my grades up so swarthmore doesn't freak out and decide not to let me in.
and it doesn't help that i can't sleep because of whatever disease i have. ha!
3.4.07
when i wrote to rid you from my bones, god
no it really hurts. god this really hurts. fuck that bold and resolute james, who wanted change so much. who sought the forests for creation and enlightenment.
fuck you, james.
fuck you, time.
fuck you, impermanence.
i've been too distant from myself to realize what it means to travel into the future. to separate the triumvirate, to no longer manipulate the La times.
i've been too determined to stir up change by shock therapy to feel the shock. my life was a bathtub, i added the hair drier, and, smirking at the lack of change, stepped in the water.
it fucking HURTS.
and fuck anyone who made this time less enjoyable. fuck allford for making us lose so much of our fleeting lives.
if i believed in you, god, i would be cursing you for creating such an impermanent universe, for liquifying life and thinking that that was ok. why couldn't you be smarter?
i dont want them to go. i dont want them to go.
i hate that i've always been too afraid to feel, and that so many people will never know just how much i loved them.
no it really hurts. god this really hurts. fuck that bold and resolute james, who wanted change so much. who sought the forests for creation and enlightenment.
fuck you, james.
fuck you, time.
fuck you, impermanence.
i've been too distant from myself to realize what it means to travel into the future. to separate the triumvirate, to no longer manipulate the La times.
i've been too determined to stir up change by shock therapy to feel the shock. my life was a bathtub, i added the hair drier, and, smirking at the lack of change, stepped in the water.
it fucking HURTS.
and fuck anyone who made this time less enjoyable. fuck allford for making us lose so much of our fleeting lives.
if i believed in you, god, i would be cursing you for creating such an impermanent universe, for liquifying life and thinking that that was ok. why couldn't you be smarter?
i dont want them to go. i dont want them to go.
i hate that i've always been too afraid to feel, and that so many people will never know just how much i loved them.
2.4.07
when i didn't get into amherst, cried, missed annas, and then copied castro's blog to get my mind off things
Freshman Year:
I hung around with Porter kids; mainly Jamie, Shant, Jonathan, Ali, Azia, Leslie, and Ben, who I played cello with in 8th grade. I rode the school bus every day, and made friends with a few kids who sat by me: Margarita, these two twins named Shimshone (who I would always compete for grades against) and Josh (who I had a big crush on), and their friend Sean. In Bio, I had a huge crush on Stephen, who knew this redheaded girl who came out to me the same day I came out to her named Amy. Amy joined with the porter kids' group, as well as this girl named Tina. Occasionally this guy Joe would eat lunch with us, bringing his quiet friend whose name I could never remember...Annie?...Andrea?...I went to Amy's huge birthday party where I met Shannon. Shannon and I got close; she introduced me to her friend Juan and we dated for a while. I went out with him and his friends; Cameron, this long-haired guy Ulysses, and this familiar looking girl named Maeve. I met this quiet girl Sanam and her friends Katie and Allison, who liked Amy. I had Tennis with this girl named Michelle who was really smart. I missed playing Cello so my mom brought me to work to introduce me to her coworker's son who also liked to play an instrument though a random one...flute?...for some reason, where I met Raymond, the only gay guy I've ever met out of nowhere.
Sophomore Year:
I had Netzley for World History, and there I met this guy I didn't like very much named Spencer, who had really red hair and wore noisy jackets and made rich republican comments. I had weight training with Amy and this freshman Ana I knew from orchestra in middle school. Juan met my friend Raymond, and they started dating. I was best friends with Olivia, a girl I used to like in middle school. Her, Margarita, and I were always together. Olivia met Juan's friend Ulysses and crushed on him. She also met my friend since Kindergarten, Brendan, and they kind of dated, but then he transferred to Cleveland and became friends with Ulysses. I went to Julie's over winter and met her friend Cedric who was going off to college soon. I went to Raymond's birthday party with Olivia and met his ex Hugo, who I dated but never got to hang out with. I had this girl Abby in my Calc class Amy and I talked to quite a bit. She talked about her friends Anna and Eric (who i saw once and I thought was a less-attractive version of my childhood friend Kevin) once in a while, but mostly we talked about sex. There was this funny guy with long hair who sat on the other side of the room I didn't really know. Jamie was in Yearbook and tried to introduce me to this girl i somewhat recognized named Anna Harley. I don't remember why, but my second semester French class had different people, and Anna was in it and so was this other quiet girl who read a lot. The first thing I ever said to her was "Is that a good book?" (referring to Life of Pi) and she said yes. She turned out to be Abby's friend, Anna Castro. I met this guy named Sean at the park one day, and I immediately fell in love. Jamie brought me into Yearbook as an honorary member because I was sooo going to be in it my junior year, and I helped make stamps. She introduced me to the Yearbook adviser, Mrs. Allford, who I thought was nice.
Junior Year:
first semester-
I had every class with an Anna. (except English) Therefore, we became the Triumvirate of Love. I was still dating Sean, love of my life. In Yearbook I met Taylor, who is one of the most awesome people alive. I had Physics with Abby and Anna and Eric, who I grew to have an innocent crush on. (he was a more attractive version of Kevin, I was wrong in 10th grade.) Jason was also in Physics, a fun guy who was in our US History class, too. I started to love reading more and more and therefore grew closer to the Annas than my old friends, and they started doing things without me, too. Anna talked about this show, Arrested Development, that was supposedly really funny. Olivia watched it, too, and so did Azia. Azia and I were getting closer, because her bus merged with mine (or mine with hers) and we sat by each other and talked when she wasn't asleep. I had French with Anna, Anna, and Tina, where I met Anthony, a boy who is truly hilarious. I also met Allison Quach and the 6 of us had a soap opera planned out. Annas and I BSed through Shumate's class, and still got really good grades on everything. I didn't even do one of our projects because I hated it so much. A+
second semester-
I tried to take orchestra 7th period, but Ken said they only offer it to people in 4th period, too. Damn Physics. I met this girl with a pink mohawk named Phoebe who played cello and was sad I couldn't join them. Abby, Anna, Eric, and I would study physics at Abby's house all the time, and it was always a riot. And Eric was always attractive. I got really close to Katie in English, since she sat next to me. We promised to go to prom together if we didn't have dates. Anna Castro, Abby, and I ate lunch in Physics every day. Weirdest part of junior year. I swear. But amazing, nonetheless. Mr. Van was always hilarious. I noticed Anna Harley was that girl who used to each lunch with me in ninth grade whose name I could never remember. Embarassing. She started to date that guy Jason from Physics and Shumate's. Castro introduced me to Mikey, who was that long-haired funny guy from my Calc class in 10th grade. He worked at starbucks and turned out to be a great guy. I finally met the infamous Suejung that Jamie often talked about, and realized how amazing, kind, and smart she is. I learned to hate Yearbook, cried, and vowed to never take it again. Over the summer I went to Boston with Sean and Olivia, and stayed at Olivia's aunt's. We visited colleges, and I fell in love with Boston College, Wellesley (I know it's a girls school, but it's the prettiest thing I've ever seen), and Amherst, which I didn't get into. Anna, Olivia, Sean and I surprised Leslie by kidnapping her and taking her to Huntington and tea in Pasadena because we love her that much. I hung out with Castro over summer a lot (while Harley was in Canada), and I rekindled friendship with the twins and Sean Delshad, and learned to like that redhead, Spencer.
Senior Year:
first semester-
Took yearbook again. Why? I don't know. And AP Lit with Allford. And spent 6th period there, too. Mikey, Annas, Tina, Sean, Eric, and I are all in Lit together. Joined orchestra with Phoebe, Tina, Mikey, Ana, and met Kyle (mini-me) and Angie, two people I've grown to love. Harley let me borrow her cello for free since I had given my old one away. I became a peer college counselor and met Jessica and got to know Ryan better. While on a break with Sean, I met this cute guy named Samir and convinced him to join yearbook. We dated for a month or two. I met this girl in yearbook I had never seen before named Maggy, who is also in Lit, and she turned out to be pretty great. Maggy is best friends with Maeve, who I met back in 9th grade, and they were both in our Econ class. Michelle was also in Econ, who I met in tennis, and her mom is co-coordinator of Everybody Reads, which Castro introduced me to, and that Suejung also goes to. Anna, Anna, and I entered the Questbridge scholarship thing, and all became finalists. Castro won a full scholarship to Amherst. Margarita brought this guy Corey who doesn't know Azia's middle name but wants to to where we ate at lunch, and Shant brought this girl Sam. Amy started drifting away, being married to her girlfriend Lexy. Abby, too, being married to her boyfriend, Preet. I missed both, but still stayed good friends. Leslie had deca so we never really saw her; she was always working her ass off.
second semester (until now)-
Leslie's back and she brought joy with her. I had a huge crush on Mikey--a stupid, pointless crush--because he's basically exactly what I want, but I got over it and now he's one of my best friends. The Triumvirate features him quite often. Shimshone, Spencer, Sean, and Elush are occasionally part of my life due to the transitive property, and I'm cool with that. Annas and I did fashion show, where I was reunited with the amazing Anthony, and then I realized how much like Joel in Eternal Sunshine I am. ("Why do I fall in love with every girl who pays me the least bit of attention?") Minus girl, add boy. Yeah, Anthony had my mind for a bit, he's damn gorgeous. In yearbook, I've had a chance to get to know Maggy more, and I've decided that she's pretty great. Madeline also emerged as my favorite underclassmen on the staff; she's way cool. Even Danyial found a place in my heart, I swear Yearbook creates this unspoken bond Harley speaks of often. I'd defend Danyial with my life, even if he doesn't know that. Him or anyone else on the staff. Except Allford. She's constantly pushing the limits of her cruelty. Whenever you think she can't get worse, she does. I have no respect for her any longer. None. Abby broke up with Preet, and is starting to talk to me more; I really missed her. Tina and I are like this *crosses fingers* from Lit and Orchestra, god I love that girl. I grew away from Olivia, Shant, and Jonathan, but I still kept Margarita, Ali, Amy, and even Corey around. They're there for me when i need it. Jamie Young is and always has been my amazing blonde bombshell, babe of robotics. Azia and I are going to prom because she's awesome like that. College letters came and this web, constantly tangled around and inside itself looks like its going to stretch out all over the country in a few months.
Jamie's probably going to Berkeley, Azia might go to Cal Poly, Castro will be in Amherst, Harley will be at i-don't-know-where-but-it's-not-swarthmore-and-thats-the-point, Sean will be staying here, Mikey will be at Reed...
I'll be at Swarthmore, alone.
Fate is definitely circular, we always end around where we started, but altered in some way. college is the next turn of the wheel, and I'll build a new web, blahblahblah...
But this hurts, it really does. it really does. it really does.
i promise, it hurts.
Freshman Year:
I hung around with Porter kids; mainly Jamie, Shant, Jonathan, Ali, Azia, Leslie, and Ben, who I played cello with in 8th grade. I rode the school bus every day, and made friends with a few kids who sat by me: Margarita, these two twins named Shimshone (who I would always compete for grades against) and Josh (who I had a big crush on), and their friend Sean. In Bio, I had a huge crush on Stephen, who knew this redheaded girl who came out to me the same day I came out to her named Amy. Amy joined with the porter kids' group, as well as this girl named Tina. Occasionally this guy Joe would eat lunch with us, bringing his quiet friend whose name I could never remember...Annie?...Andrea?...I went to Amy's huge birthday party where I met Shannon. Shannon and I got close; she introduced me to her friend Juan and we dated for a while. I went out with him and his friends; Cameron, this long-haired guy Ulysses, and this familiar looking girl named Maeve. I met this quiet girl Sanam and her friends Katie and Allison, who liked Amy. I had Tennis with this girl named Michelle who was really smart. I missed playing Cello so my mom brought me to work to introduce me to her coworker's son who also liked to play an instrument though a random one...flute?...for some reason, where I met Raymond, the only gay guy I've ever met out of nowhere.
Sophomore Year:
I had Netzley for World History, and there I met this guy I didn't like very much named Spencer, who had really red hair and wore noisy jackets and made rich republican comments. I had weight training with Amy and this freshman Ana I knew from orchestra in middle school. Juan met my friend Raymond, and they started dating. I was best friends with Olivia, a girl I used to like in middle school. Her, Margarita, and I were always together. Olivia met Juan's friend Ulysses and crushed on him. She also met my friend since Kindergarten, Brendan, and they kind of dated, but then he transferred to Cleveland and became friends with Ulysses. I went to Julie's over winter and met her friend Cedric who was going off to college soon. I went to Raymond's birthday party with Olivia and met his ex Hugo, who I dated but never got to hang out with. I had this girl Abby in my Calc class Amy and I talked to quite a bit. She talked about her friends Anna and Eric (who i saw once and I thought was a less-attractive version of my childhood friend Kevin) once in a while, but mostly we talked about sex. There was this funny guy with long hair who sat on the other side of the room I didn't really know. Jamie was in Yearbook and tried to introduce me to this girl i somewhat recognized named Anna Harley. I don't remember why, but my second semester French class had different people, and Anna was in it and so was this other quiet girl who read a lot. The first thing I ever said to her was "Is that a good book?" (referring to Life of Pi) and she said yes. She turned out to be Abby's friend, Anna Castro. I met this guy named Sean at the park one day, and I immediately fell in love. Jamie brought me into Yearbook as an honorary member because I was sooo going to be in it my junior year, and I helped make stamps. She introduced me to the Yearbook adviser, Mrs. Allford, who I thought was nice.
Junior Year:
first semester-
I had every class with an Anna. (except English) Therefore, we became the Triumvirate of Love. I was still dating Sean, love of my life. In Yearbook I met Taylor, who is one of the most awesome people alive. I had Physics with Abby and Anna and Eric, who I grew to have an innocent crush on. (he was a more attractive version of Kevin, I was wrong in 10th grade.) Jason was also in Physics, a fun guy who was in our US History class, too. I started to love reading more and more and therefore grew closer to the Annas than my old friends, and they started doing things without me, too. Anna talked about this show, Arrested Development, that was supposedly really funny. Olivia watched it, too, and so did Azia. Azia and I were getting closer, because her bus merged with mine (or mine with hers) and we sat by each other and talked when she wasn't asleep. I had French with Anna, Anna, and Tina, where I met Anthony, a boy who is truly hilarious. I also met Allison Quach and the 6 of us had a soap opera planned out. Annas and I BSed through Shumate's class, and still got really good grades on everything. I didn't even do one of our projects because I hated it so much. A+
second semester-
I tried to take orchestra 7th period, but Ken said they only offer it to people in 4th period, too. Damn Physics. I met this girl with a pink mohawk named Phoebe who played cello and was sad I couldn't join them. Abby, Anna, Eric, and I would study physics at Abby's house all the time, and it was always a riot. And Eric was always attractive. I got really close to Katie in English, since she sat next to me. We promised to go to prom together if we didn't have dates. Anna Castro, Abby, and I ate lunch in Physics every day. Weirdest part of junior year. I swear. But amazing, nonetheless. Mr. Van was always hilarious. I noticed Anna Harley was that girl who used to each lunch with me in ninth grade whose name I could never remember. Embarassing. She started to date that guy Jason from Physics and Shumate's. Castro introduced me to Mikey, who was that long-haired funny guy from my Calc class in 10th grade. He worked at starbucks and turned out to be a great guy. I finally met the infamous Suejung that Jamie often talked about, and realized how amazing, kind, and smart she is. I learned to hate Yearbook, cried, and vowed to never take it again. Over the summer I went to Boston with Sean and Olivia, and stayed at Olivia's aunt's. We visited colleges, and I fell in love with Boston College, Wellesley (I know it's a girls school, but it's the prettiest thing I've ever seen), and Amherst, which I didn't get into. Anna, Olivia, Sean and I surprised Leslie by kidnapping her and taking her to Huntington and tea in Pasadena because we love her that much. I hung out with Castro over summer a lot (while Harley was in Canada), and I rekindled friendship with the twins and Sean Delshad, and learned to like that redhead, Spencer.
Senior Year:
first semester-
Took yearbook again. Why? I don't know. And AP Lit with Allford. And spent 6th period there, too. Mikey, Annas, Tina, Sean, Eric, and I are all in Lit together. Joined orchestra with Phoebe, Tina, Mikey, Ana, and met Kyle (mini-me) and Angie, two people I've grown to love. Harley let me borrow her cello for free since I had given my old one away. I became a peer college counselor and met Jessica and got to know Ryan better. While on a break with Sean, I met this cute guy named Samir and convinced him to join yearbook. We dated for a month or two. I met this girl in yearbook I had never seen before named Maggy, who is also in Lit, and she turned out to be pretty great. Maggy is best friends with Maeve, who I met back in 9th grade, and they were both in our Econ class. Michelle was also in Econ, who I met in tennis, and her mom is co-coordinator of Everybody Reads, which Castro introduced me to, and that Suejung also goes to. Anna, Anna, and I entered the Questbridge scholarship thing, and all became finalists. Castro won a full scholarship to Amherst. Margarita brought this guy Corey who doesn't know Azia's middle name but wants to to where we ate at lunch, and Shant brought this girl Sam. Amy started drifting away, being married to her girlfriend Lexy. Abby, too, being married to her boyfriend, Preet. I missed both, but still stayed good friends. Leslie had deca so we never really saw her; she was always working her ass off.
second semester (until now)-
Leslie's back and she brought joy with her. I had a huge crush on Mikey--a stupid, pointless crush--because he's basically exactly what I want, but I got over it and now he's one of my best friends. The Triumvirate features him quite often. Shimshone, Spencer, Sean, and Elush are occasionally part of my life due to the transitive property, and I'm cool with that. Annas and I did fashion show, where I was reunited with the amazing Anthony, and then I realized how much like Joel in Eternal Sunshine I am. ("Why do I fall in love with every girl who pays me the least bit of attention?") Minus girl, add boy. Yeah, Anthony had my mind for a bit, he's damn gorgeous. In yearbook, I've had a chance to get to know Maggy more, and I've decided that she's pretty great. Madeline also emerged as my favorite underclassmen on the staff; she's way cool. Even Danyial found a place in my heart, I swear Yearbook creates this unspoken bond Harley speaks of often. I'd defend Danyial with my life, even if he doesn't know that. Him or anyone else on the staff. Except Allford. She's constantly pushing the limits of her cruelty. Whenever you think she can't get worse, she does. I have no respect for her any longer. None. Abby broke up with Preet, and is starting to talk to me more; I really missed her. Tina and I are like this *crosses fingers* from Lit and Orchestra, god I love that girl. I grew away from Olivia, Shant, and Jonathan, but I still kept Margarita, Ali, Amy, and even Corey around. They're there for me when i need it. Jamie Young is and always has been my amazing blonde bombshell, babe of robotics. Azia and I are going to prom because she's awesome like that. College letters came and this web, constantly tangled around and inside itself looks like its going to stretch out all over the country in a few months.
Jamie's probably going to Berkeley, Azia might go to Cal Poly, Castro will be in Amherst, Harley will be at i-don't-know-where-but-it's-not-swarthmore-and-thats-the-point, Sean will be staying here, Mikey will be at Reed...
I'll be at Swarthmore, alone.
Fate is definitely circular, we always end around where we started, but altered in some way. college is the next turn of the wheel, and I'll build a new web, blahblahblah...
But this hurts, it really does. it really does. it really does.
i promise, it hurts.
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