So why are two of my m&m's evil?

LosAngelesCrawl: hahaah

LosAngelesCrawl: what does the package say

LosAngelesCrawl: "dont eat these"?

LosAngelesCrawl: wow

LosAngelesCrawl: id read the back of the bag.

the Piper laughs: hahah

LosAngelesCrawl: "THESE ARE POISON"

highlight of my day.

but anyway. i bought my sister's german raspberries and lauryn's present, too. i like getting things done. i also took out the trash, submitted my supplemental application to Brandeis, and sent in fee waiver requests to Pomona college and Pitzer college. i'm so on a roll.

this 5-second exuberance fades...as soon as i realize that i still have to read Heart of Darkness and write 3 poems to go alongside 3 works of art by january. bah. that allford. so much to do all of the time..and yet a B+ in her class. it wasn't worth it.

breathe in. breathe out.

Supplements to do: Tufts, Boston College, Amherst, UPenn, Yale, Haverford, Swarthmore, Pitzer, Pomona.

breathe in. breathe out.

SAT scores to send, (CSS Profiles to send, FAFSA to work out.)

breathe in. breathe out.

it's almost over. i can almost see it.

oh, the complications of relationships.

sometimes it sounds almost preferable to be alone in some town i'd never been with people i'd never met. i call that town College. yes, i want to go to College almost every waking hour of the day.

but, i digress. from what? from anything that matters at this point in time.

miss Harley leaves for Canada tomorrow. she will be missed, much. somehow, in some way, she manages to smile even when the sky can't fake it, and crumbles. she's amazing. of course, today, she pointed out a huge paradox laying in wait for her: she's oh so glad, since today was our calculus final, to not have to think about math for a long long time...until engineering school.

oh, miss Harley.

so i'm going to six flags with the science bowl kids on thursday. fun fun. i like six flags. i like the science bowl kids. good day. but i have to buy presents before then. and therefore paint the dining room to get money to buy presents. and therefore find the blue paint in the shed to paint the dining room to get money to buy presents. a piece of the drywall in my room just came off. nice. and by a piece i mean two square feet. niiice.

bleh.

i should have sex with...spencer. or sean delshad. just to shake things up. hahaha. god, what would happen... a lot of people would be peeved. including them. i need something like that, though. something totally out of the ordinary coming out of nowhere and no one knows how on earth it could have happened. i hope it's sex i hope it's sex i hope it's sex i hope it's sex i hope it's sex i hope it's sex i hope it's sex i hope it's sex i hope it's sex i hope it's sex. haha.

now my hands smell like...drywall. im so going to have to fix that tomorrow. eh. and i already have a journey to make to citywalk to purchase my sister's german raspberries and my mother's phantom of the opera cd.

yeah this entry has been very much all over the place.
james OUT.

god...dark chocolate (60% in this case)..isn't a candy to me. its like...soothing/healing/love/warm/cry all night. suddenly everything is alright, where it's supposed to be. i can see in the 4th dimension for just a little bit. just a little bit...pip pip. i can never die, but will die, and will always be dying. so it goes.

can you tell what book I read today?

i've applied for a job at two places so far...will do the third tomorrow. will also paint the dining room. and mow the lawn. and take my calculus final.

i need to clear away the fog. maybe a huge, metaphorical sponge will do. i need to be able to hunt for fresh sentences in order to tackle the common application. i feel so empty otherwise. i got a package from swarthmore in the mail today. i'm very happy i'm applying. i think i could do very well there. they gave me a dvd and everything; pretty nifty. beautiful campus.

i wish it were that easy for everything.

i want my amherst essay to just flow out of me like a string of leaves caught in a gale. natural and uncalled for. beautiful. i don't want to linger. i feel like, with amherst, my life is on the line. i more than need to get in. and i don't know why. amherst knows. i only wish i could ask the woods.

a new picture will be up soon, i guess. this one's outdated. that part of me died when i cut my hair. like setting birds on fire hoping to god one's a phoenix in disguise, i want to destroy my opinions and my self. so it goes.

i want to be reborn with the Winter.

i failed my driving test.

i failed anna harley and jahangard for not going to calculus.

i failed everyone in yearbook for only having 4 siopao to bring tomorrow.

i failed so many things.

i failed anna today.

i failed myself.

i failed everything.

i went to see mikey play today at the daily grind.

he was great, he is great. he feels so much of the music, it radiates. so many people there came for this other band and they were rude enough to show it... so many layers of tension in that room all covered with a blanket of indifference. i wanted to wall the few of us in the front in, shut out all of the negative vibes... i felt like a parent, i wanted mikey to play in unmuddled-up air. i didn't want those empty people to hurt us, him. i felt very vulnerable.

mikey's an amazing person, and i'm sorry i never got so close to him. or am afraid that i can't get close to him.

it's struck me; another instance of the anathema upon the gay male; i lack the true ability to become close friends with any men. i'm afraid. i'm constantly afraid. i'm afraid of being under suspicion...of misconstrued actions, words. I'm embarrassed by who i am. I'm embarrassed when i talk to a man. i can't touch (mikey or eric or spencer or brendan or sean or...) because i might fall in love; or i can't touch (mikey or eric or spencer or brendan or sean or...) because he'll assume i'm falling in love.

why am i so afraid? of everything. of everyone.

only in my heart am i as close to these people as i'd like to be. i know them in my heart, i know them in my soul, but i shall never know them in the breathable world.
James

p.s. i changed my senior quote (again) to "never underestimate the value of just going along, listening to the things you cannot hear" - The House at Pooh Corner

folding. stapling. not fun.

what do i want out of college?
fast-paced student life? or forests, lakes, and grass...

yale or amherst...williams?...do i have enough of every kind?

i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know

i was searching through documents and i found this:

__________________________________________

Somewhere,
inbetween the unattended spatter of a masquerade,
truly lay scenes of
shivering fortitude kneeling
or quivering lips delving
deeper
into cerulean melancholy.

but, in (y)our somnolent world, those with postmodern bodies direct (y)our sentiments

-using cleverly, witterly-designed, redundant [but who notices?] rhetoric -

towards believing that those
em ty pl ys
aresolidoutright

and are what we
exist
to mock.
______________________________________________________

i would say that i could recognize neither it nor myself

btw, senior quote: "Where are we going to on this Expotition?" - Winnie-the-Pooh

my life needs a touch of fastidiousness.

Academia:

AP Literature
M-Literature Review (Symbolism)
T-Literature Review (Theme)
W-Literature Review (Minor Characters)
R-Literature Review (Truth)
F-Literature Review (Ironic Devices), Art & Poetry Sign-ups, Gift Poem Sign-ups
S-Literature Review(Techniques & Setting)

AP Microeconomics
M-F-Study for Finals

Calculus II
M-W-Chapter 12 hw...
R-Chapter 12 Exam/hw quiz


Extracurriculars:

Peer College Counseling
M-Finish December Newsletter
T-Turn Newsletter In
W-Distribute Newsletter
R- secret santa coming soon

Orchestra
M-F-Practice Hungarian Dance No.5, Swan Lake, Christmas Song, and Hallelujah Chorus for Winter Concert. / Bring bow to school for June to play.
R-Practice w/choir after school in Highlander Hall

Yearbook
M-Print out Buddy Ads, Make Buddy Ad Announcement, Type up any turned-in Ads
T-Pay off $60 left, Copy Buddy Ads, Place/Align Seniors & Quotes (for Azia)
W-Editors' Meeting after school (assumed grad ad layout finished)
R-Seniors (secret santa coming soon)
F-Seniors (proofs will probably arrive)


Booklist:
How We Are Hungry - Dave Eggers
Slaughterhouse Five - Kurt Vonnegut
Johnny Panic and the Bible of Dreams - Sylvia Plath
History of Love
Specimen Days
Curious Incident of the Dog at Night-Time
The Unbearable Lightness of Being - Milan Kundera
Harry Potter I-VI (again, mainly just V)


College Apps:
Yale - Dec 31.
Amherst, Boston College, Tufts, Brandeis, UPenn - Jan 1

M-Essays
T-Essays (give Taylor school reports)
W-Essays (present for Allford/Van soon)
R-Essays
F-Essays
S-Essays
Su-Essays


Christmas:
-gifts
-cards


James, internal:
M-a breeze, preferably an existential one
T-a breeze, preferably an existential one
W-a breeze, preferably an existential one
R-a breeze, preferably an existential one
F-a breeze, preferably an existential one
S-a breeze, preferably an existential one
Su-a breeze, preferably an existential one