when i haven't posted in so long because i've been writing numerous entries and ending them halfway through

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...it seems to me that there are underlying reasons for our friendships as human beings, and that each relationship has it’s own genre that it may fit into, which lays just beneath the surface at all times. There are friendships of sympathy: built on the fact that each can go to the other for emotional alleviation. There are friendships of empathy: built on common experiences, common crises. There are friendships of interests. Friendships of intellect. Friendships of love: those that only exist because love is underlying. Friendships of sexuality: those that exist because sex is underlying. Friendships of art. Friendships of convenience. Friendships of illusion. Friendships of laughter: built on the fact that each brings joy into the other’s life. This is never to say that friendships will only experience their one core value, but rather to say that this core value is the root, the most important factor.

Knowing this helps me, now, to see what friendships in my life were the most valuable, and what friendships to cultivate and help flourish now and in the future, as well as which friendships I might as well leave to time.

Right now I’m feeling too many friendships of convenience, a large influx of friendships of laughter, and not enough friendships of art, sympathy, intellect, or love....

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...All the universe gives us is the raw material we take to create emotion.

The rest, then, lies within us. The means to create and the will to create. We are the hands that mold our environment. It’s important that you understand this! A life we deem insufferable is simply one we’ve molded into ugly, deformed shapes that will remain ugly and deformed until we willingly smooth them out...

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...when we were all basically alone, despite what all the studies have shown

up until now I have always seen subjectivity as the sad fate of existence, the one thing (well, core thing) that separates us as human beings from one another, permanently closing our minds to one another. Now, though, I think I may have gained a new perspective on subjectivity, about its necessity and about its function in what may be the grand scheme of things.

(keep in mind that I am going to argue a posteriori)

In moments of formidable optimism and faith in mankind, I always arrive at the same conclusion: that we are constantly afraid (of being alone). Deep down in the heart of things, we are frightened. That fear is there always, whether or not we ignore it or push it away. And I mean being alone in the broadest sense possible. Alone in thought, alone physically, alone emotionally, alone in perception. We hate what subjectivity is.

That fear and hatred of perpetually arbitrary interpretation, really, is what makes most of us good people. Fear, at its core, encourages us to want to love and explore each other’s bodies and minds, for the sake of reducing our emotional solitude. (Again arises the concept of the sexual surgeon, cutting open internal boundaries in order to see people at their very core and reptilian insides.)

We want to be comforted, we want to belong, and therefore we just want to be loved. (and she told me, “son, fear is the heart of love.”)...