i went to see mikey play today at the daily grind.

he was great, he is great. he feels so much of the music, it radiates. so many people there came for this other band and they were rude enough to show it... so many layers of tension in that room all covered with a blanket of indifference. i wanted to wall the few of us in the front in, shut out all of the negative vibes... i felt like a parent, i wanted mikey to play in unmuddled-up air. i didn't want those empty people to hurt us, him. i felt very vulnerable.

mikey's an amazing person, and i'm sorry i never got so close to him. or am afraid that i can't get close to him.

it's struck me; another instance of the anathema upon the gay male; i lack the true ability to become close friends with any men. i'm afraid. i'm constantly afraid. i'm afraid of being under suspicion...of misconstrued actions, words. I'm embarrassed by who i am. I'm embarrassed when i talk to a man. i can't touch (mikey or eric or spencer or brendan or sean or...) because i might fall in love; or i can't touch (mikey or eric or spencer or brendan or sean or...) because he'll assume i'm falling in love.

why am i so afraid? of everything. of everyone.

only in my heart am i as close to these people as i'd like to be. i know them in my heart, i know them in my soul, but i shall never know them in the breathable world.
James

p.s. i changed my senior quote (again) to "never underestimate the value of just going along, listening to the things you cannot hear" - The House at Pooh Corner