fafsa = done
css = done

oh the irony of spending $150 applying for federal aid. ha.

i despise literature reviews. they take good books, separate them into words and phrases, and then engulf them in flames. sure we know them better than probably most people, but the love for them had been reduced to soot.

i should have read the chapter for government. now i officially have two days to read both 25 page chapters. i'm so stupid. so stupid. god.

i think my reading-passion may be coming back. i hope i'm right. when i read it feels like a part of me is asleep, the part of me that cries when phrases are formulated ever so eloquently, elegantly. the part of me that steals those phrases and keeps them in a little bag. the part of me that was born from illumination. i honestly think nicole krauss put him to sleep with her new york feel borrowed from her husband, his creator. he was born out of enlightenment, it seems contradictory for him to have to suffer from redundancy.

i'm sick of my so-called inspirations.

i want to be driven by the magic behind my thoughts, and not be inspired. i'm sick of living off of the world and not off of my own being. i don't want a muse. i want to be the muse of my words, not some sort of verbal middleman feigning necessity. i want to be alone.

in this way, among others, i don't know how long it will take me to get over being displaced. i wanted it more than anything, i still do, yet i'm not welcome. i'm not welcome.