so i'm a coward.

this weekend proved it to me. don't get me wrong, it was great. it was amazing. i learned so much, whether it be politically, socially, psychologically, or emotionally. i know how to dance better. i'm more comfortable speaking in public. i know who aaron jabbarri is. i know more about the many issues currently plaguing our nation. i got to see ralph nader, nancy snow, and that other guy. i was surrounded by hot gay guys. i was hit on and checked out numerous times. i got spanked by a stranger. i had caucus with my friends.

(i love anna, eric, yvonne, james, tina, and ms. epps.)

but some of these things brought to light some of my own flaws:
i was hit on but i did not respond
i was checked out but i got no names
i was surrounded by gay guys but i made not a single new gay friend
i can speak in public, but i didn't enough
i love JSA, but this might be the first/last convention i attend
i love JSA, but i should have loved it for the past 3 years as well

i've made a huge mistake. and a bunch of huge little mistakes. and now i hit myself over it.

even my own feelings on my sexuality have taken a turn. i'm head over heels for someone i shouldn't be. what's worse is, i probably make that person uncomfortable. my friendships and my lovelife can be summed up as the consistent need for comfort. some part of me refuses to open myself to comforting. therefore you can see the tension within myself at causing another discomfort. especially someone i fell for.

this weekend was a success for my mind, for my experience, for my entertainment. but my internal happiness had been unconsciously weeping...something's wrong inside me and i can feel it surfacing, like the fish out of the mirror. i'm a coward. a coward.

no, not even the name of coward is left for me on earth. the curtain is down.