when i caved in to desperation.

i can't be alone. i can't. my life is a sponge, it takes pieces of everything around it, without environment it is nothing. my home is empty, my heart is empty, my hands are empty. i know not what i feel. this is why i converse so often, i check my mail so often, i check various messages. i need to feel needed? or i need to feel like i exist by proving someone else has me as a part of their life...

maybe that's why i'm so akin to one-way friendships. i have hundreds of friends, but only to a small portion am i anything. i remember a brief smile, a brief conversation, and i give away my respect too quickly. i am too fast to love. this is why the windows, this is why the transitive, this is why.

if i were to truly give up anything for lent it would be all the contact i make. i would disappear into the forest. i should go camping. i need the trees and the wind. i need to ask the forest who i am. as solitude where my life lays. i no longer with to be estragon. i no longer wish to dwell in limbo, victim to any passing gust of consequence, dependent on distraction.

to build myself from the soil, that is to play my own god, that is to understand, and fill in the hollow parts of my soul.