when i thought about prom and then love

it's not unusual to assume that one part of prom is taking someone you care about, is it? no. so, obviously--since it's been the hot topic around school with so many people--i've thought a bit about prom and then love. the consequent thoughts were rather morose... follow my train of thought:

who am i going to bring?

the obvious answer would have been Sean McCullough, the love of my life. duh. I've been with the boy for the most part of 2 years and it would be easy to be romantic with him. But, I thought about it. I'm not in love as i was before. Maybe it's the knowledge of me leaving school or me being consumed by other, incontrollable lusts that make it so, but no matter what, it is that way. With that, on top of fifty other reasons to not bring him (him not liking dances, him not being very social, me being scared to death to be openly romantic with him in public [which i hate myself for, so much], or him not being really tied to prom), I realized he may be a bad choice.

who am i going to bring(, and then love)?

so, i'm back at this again. should i separate romantic emotion from prom? if i let my mind wander over characters my heart have recently skipped a beat for...the result is a deeper rooted problem, that's been there for so long.

it's so hard to explain how much it hurts to love or think you love someone this way. it doesn't go away, you don't grow out of it. it remains. the pain remains. my life feels empty, i feel empty. once again i'm left as an outsider. i'm different. i remember this. yvonne talked to me about it recently and i responded with such a distant reaction, because i had forgotten the killing urge to be heterosexual. i had forgotten how desperate life feels when you count down how many straight individuals you can "fall in love" with in a short time (and i use fall in love loosely, really i mean little of love, and more of attraction, youthful philandering). one, two, three, four. fourthreetwoone. strike through each name, each ineligible bachelor of sorts. and then i'm left with naught.

why should there be sympathy for me?

there shouldn't. it hurts within my own self. i'm not in any more pain than others in similar places. it's my own burden. this is just catharsis. maybe i can move on.

where do i go from here?

nowhere. suddenly i'm a shell of a person. suddenly my life feels unbearably light. suddenly there's no one pulling me down, and shared emotions prove unbinding...and i float away. i haven't been able to really feel for a long time. a touch is empty, a smile is purely a smile, a hug is cold. no one feels my real emotions. even when i used to hug Sean the way i did, i've had so much to cry into him, and i never did.

mine is an island universe.

prom will be empty, because my life is empty. i've been horrible to my friends. i've been horrible to hold things from them. i've been horrible to create this person they all think i am. deep inside i'm someone much different. my heart tells me so. somewhere inside a lot of me wants to scream for years and years, and somewhere inside a lot of me just wants someone to listen.

i've listened for so long i've forgotten how to speak.

even if someone listens i won't have anything to say, though i have the world to say. it seems that love has eluded me. platonic, romantic, and all. i don't know what i feel. i don't know myself. i apologize for all of my friendships. i apologize for everything. i've only been the sponge, and that must be why i have so many one-way friendships. i don't feed back any line hoping someone will tug on it.

mine is an island universe.
i've listened for so long i've forgotten how to speak.
but where do i go from here?
who will i love?

will i love?
i love?
love.

my stammering staccato is because of you. because you were never there.