when i felt subconscious love and noticed a curious issue with House

why is it that in every House episode, they go through a long list of life threatening diseases with horror-struck faces and panicked demeanors only to find out the it's something simple and totally curable, only in unfamiliar circumstance? like today...they thought a man (on a plane, mind you) was going to die of a disease they wouldn't be able to get him meds for in time (they'd have to land), but then realized he was just a bad scuba diver who had a case of the bends...while a lady who they thought had some brain aneurysm or something like that turned out just to have accidentally sniffed fumigation toxins... i'm sure real life isn't that simple? i don't know, maybe i haven't seen enough episodes of house--because lord knows i don't watch much tv--but it just feels awkward when you can trace the formula of a show.

and now for something completely different.

i made a great discovery today in orchestra. as we were playing st. pauls suite--as we usually do, nothing special--i happened to glance over to the second violins. i was sitting in kyle's seat (in front, on the right and next to angie) because phoebe wasn't here and it was my turn to fill in, but i didn't want the first seat. plus, angie's fun to sit next to, when i'm not accidentally hitting her viola with my bow. anyway, i glanced over at the second violins and this one violinist caught my attention. i would have expected the one kid i had a crush on to be the one that i paid attention to, but it wasn't him. actually, it doesn't matter who it was, because that's not what this is about. the only important factor is that he is a boy, therefore i am open to being turned on.

it's needless to say, then, that it wasn't looks that got me. it was this look in his eye, this absolutely focused attention on the music. it wasn't utter passion like green, or a kind of floating like yo-yo ma, but it was a simple fascination with the music, like someone stumbling over their first look at someone who just might change their life, and has already got their heart between their fingertips. i haven't felt like i did for those few seconds in a long time. it was subconscious love. not for him, but for that look. for that birth of passion, for that curious love.

it made me look around and think; there are plenty of dumb asses in the class. dumb boys who do dumb things like mess with the thermostat or hit each other in chairs or spin the stands and then watch things drop onto the floor. they're different though--they must be--from other dumb boys, don't you think? they're violinists. doesn't that say something? and i don't mean this to glorify string players, i mean musicians in general. when someone truly picks up an instrument (yes, that instrument can be your voice, you two) and feels that curious love i saw in his eyes, he or she proves that his or her life is not empty of meaning or passion.

i couldn't help but start to picture some of these boys with their friends. some of them are hardcore skaters; in that young way, yeah, but also in the involved way, where they read skate magazines all day and are completely obsessed. can you picture a typical skater picking up a violin and feeling the vibrations of the wood? it also makes me wonder what their friends, or other people, think of them. wouldn't you expect violinists to sort of be ridiculed by those kinds of people? i earned a tiny bit of respect for a lot of the boys i used to really dislike in 4th period today. a good bit, though.

somewhere, deep in my heart i know i have more of a passion for my cello then i realize. even though i don't practice every day and i give up when i can't do it and i wont play solos...some part of me loves it more than anything else i've ever done. dare i say i'm a musician at heart? a musician who hasn't bloomed yet. i'm not mikey, who has blossomed and bore fruit time after time, but maybe i will be.

god, do i want to marry a musician. our hearts would sing.