this is what summer does. as much as the air in my room is perpetually swept into currents by my ceiling fan--relentlessly trying to fool me into thinking it's not as hot as it is--the thoughts in my brain are perpetually swept into currents by my subconscious--relentlessly trying to fool me into thinking the times aren't as empty as they are.
yes, the days are empty. yes, the time means nothing. but some part of me doesn't want me to accept that. there's always something to be done! always something to be done! so much to be done, in fact, that nothing can never be truly completed, because there's always something else to be done. my thoughts interject each other; juxtapose themselves into implausible contortions that, for some reason, my mind finds completely logical! why i would need to study music theory in between cleaning my room, burning cds, transferring my hard drive, and practicing cello, i know not!
it feels the cogs of my cognizance are all out of sync, and i can't even spit out a word, or thought, complete enough to be understood. at any point in time i'm scared, tired, bored, anxious, and content. at any point in time i need to fly, to drive, to read, to write, to clean, to sort, to pack, to improve! it's pure irony how restless the lazy, free summer makes me.
though, as i said, it makes sense. it's an elaborate ruse for my poor soul, in order to protect me from facing other fears, other more scathing fears (of loss, new beginnings, and isolation). point being, i'm going to have to write in yearbooks eventually, i'm going to have to pack my things eventually, i'm going to have to move away eventually.
hopefully admitting this will tip off my subconscious and let him that i'm onto him, so that i can get back to reading entire books and writing entire entries and studying entire chapters of music theory.
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