when postmodernism threw college at my face, kicked me in the shins, and then ran off

to new beginnings and awkward sociology!

ah, the internet is an interesting thing. the entire college experience (wandering alone into a world full of strangers, wild men, and robbers of interests) is dulled by a certain website we know as facebook. dulled, i say, because no longer is it true that we walk into college with blurred vision; that is, faces already ring familiar and trustworthy. why? because we have seen many facebooks. true, what we have seen were only pictures, soulless as well as motionless (lifeless), and you never know how a person will act based on their music interests and/or "about me" section. but the reality is still there. it's easier to get used to college.

easier and weirder. having faces without names (because why would you have bothered to match many names to pictures, when the internet matched them constantly for you) creates a whole 'nother web of signifiers that, too, deconstruct. i wish i could justify that better. it makes sense to me. there are all of these faces, all of these faces without voices, without motion, without anything, and then all of a sudden they're inhabited by life; life which dares to be not what you expected in the least. it can be unsettling.

ever since i got to swat, i've been plagued with explicit dreams with extravagant and convoluted plots, full of these faces, then all assigned a personality my subconscious assumed they would have. the problem with these dreams is i can't separate them from reality just yet. i have met people in my dreams that i have only seen from afar in person, and it's exceptionally hard to determine whether or not i've already met people i meet for real.

i don't know, it just seems to make this process all the more difficult. when, otherwise, i would have been fine. college feels like i should have been here all my life.

another thing i have noticed about the blossoming relationship between college and myself is that i'm way needy, physically. i took for granted holding hands or holding someone or simple kisses or sensual kisses. i feel distant for now, and it bothers me.

i miss sean. i miss being able to kiss him, or cry into his chest. he was the only person i really did that to, for no real reason except my inability to be that physically close to anyone i wasn't in love with. i don't mean to say i miss him because of those things; i miss everyone regardless for their own reasons. i just mean i miss that feeling, i miss feeling that safety, knowing he would come over whenever i needed a hug. i need a hug.

in order to prevent this entry from taking any more drastic turns, i'll end it with this: i'm in love with Swarthmore, i just need to work out things and become more independent in order to fully enjoy this place.